Imprisoned Heart: Mother Barbara, Remembering 9-11 and my friend Clark...a week ending in grief

that is a mouthful! My mother in law Barbara passed away unexpectedly, on April 12, 2010. My husband and his sister were crushed. It has been a difficult time of healing but measured strides have been made toward a whole heart.

This Saturday, September 11th, would have been her birthday. This year will be more of a somber occasion than a celebration. My husband plans to paddle her ashes out to sea and release her body to catch up with her soaring spirit. I will look on, in support, from nearby.

More than 3000 souls perished September 11th, 2001 when a group of terrorists used passenger planes as weapons to commit murder. This day always feels heavy and loaded with sadness. When I sit in reflection about the meaning and anger behind the act of violence perpetrated against our country and its people, on that day...I want to scream out and rewind time to the moment before flames engulfed two great tombs, before bodies were hurling themselves to the ground choosing instant death from impact rather than burning alive.  I would wish back a moment before a wife left her husband without saying goodbye, in a rush and not realizing it would be the last time they saw each other. I would turn back the hands of time to the child hugging his parent, to the lovers lingering in their bed, to the long kiss goodbye at the airport. So many things not said, not done because they were put off to a tomorrow that never came.

My heart hurts to think of all of the "lasts" that happened on that day nine years before. I always hope that with each year the pain will get less for  families and friends who lost a precious dear one that awful day...with time and faith maybe healing will stick.

Clark's memorial service is on Sunday.Clark lost his life too. His battle was not with airplane missiles, his was cancer. The last time I saw Clark was over a gorgeous grilled cheese and Tuscan soup, surrounded by friends. His gait was shaky and his smile was strong. His heart was always so full and if I added up every flower that Clark ever gave to me, to cheer up the office, I would feel like I was in a field of wildflowers!

I knew that the last time I saw Clark would be the last. I cried all the way back from lunch and at home all night. I have shed many a tear for lost friends but the tears for Clark felt different. Just two days before our luncheon, Clark had discussed with me that he had given up his treatments because they had stopped working and his cancer had taken over his body. He was well ready as he could be and had made amends with folks and was happy to meet his maker. Folks when they are dying are usually less sad than those of us they leave behind...Our tears fill oceans, drop by drop, our hearts when breaking are audible...The last words Clark said, as he hugged me tight with bruised arms that were frail for 60...the last words were I love you...grand words to hear from a beloved friend.

so here starts a sobering weekend and my heart is strong and ready...bring it on!