starry starry night...

I had the strangest dream last night. It was one of those dreams where nothing makes sense and everything is all jumbled together. This is what I remember, in this order and with no correlation at all! 

Act I: I was riding in a convertible car, an uber small car at that. I was in the back seat and someone else, whose face I did not see, was driving. It was night. The sky felt super close, like I could literally touch the stars and the stars appeared to be painted onto a black and navy swirled, domed backdrop. They were painted yellow and they were five pointed stars, not the illuminated orbs that are actually pin holed in our real night sky. Insane right...it gets better

Act II:  A couple are having a discussion about objects which are magical. One of the objects is a hair. Yes, I did say a hair! It is a hair that is coarse (not a short and curly) and long, somewhat reminding me of a horse's tail hair. They realize that this hair will allow them to bring physical feeling back into their lovemaking???And I was watching this why? I was hovering I suppose, I never did see myself in this part of the dream but my friend Toni's dream doctor once told her that...ahem, in my deepest Doctor sounding voice... "all parts of our dreams are aspects of ourselves." So am I the hair , the couple, or am I the animal, possibly a cat, that sat precariously perched above their heads on a bookshelf as they made sweet, sweet love and then sang a song of gratitude to the hair in hand, while swaddled within a nest of blankets on the floor! Oh did I mention that the cat-animal thing was the woman's mother???At least she called it Mom and said, Oh my God! Have you been there the whole time???? EEEWWWWW!

Act III: Again, in a car...pulled up to a high rise apartment building. There were several children standing out front and on the ground was what looked to be a bowl of rice pudding with maraschino cherries and some other brightly colored fruit in it! The children were all talking about a boy who had perished, presumably from eating from that very dish. A few of the kids were pulling bits of fruit out, with their fingers, and eating it while simultaneously discussing this child's demise from said dessert! One of the older children who had gathered, turned to me and said, "you live here (I guess I lived there), why are you always hanging with such trick people?"My reply..."I guess I am just cool like that!"

hahahah that is exactly how I remember it! Too funny! I guess if the good doctor is right about dreams then I am a fast driving, star-gazing, romantic, wishful thinking, magic believing, rice pudding loving woman who would totally FREAK OUT if her mother was present for an impromptu, living room floor lovemaking session! Ahhhh dreams!

What would Joan Jett do????

 Have you had your flu shot today? I have not. I missed work today because I was achy, sneezy and all stuffy-headed. I am not complaining about missing work...just to be clear here. I am pretty sure it is the flu that has me feeling poorly!

I spent a snuggly day back and forth from bed to sofa but my head is heavy! I cannot really focus on a complete thought so I will sum up by letting you in on some random thoughts that are whipping through my mind at the moment.

They are as follows:

Glee...pretty kitsch, hula hoops that light up rock, politics...so frustrating, why didn't I think of that?, need new job, want new job, cats ears cleaned, sleepy, you are.

My apologies for the criptic post...blame it on the illness! More readable items later...
Ps. Happy birthday to two of my favorite celebs...Stephen King 63 (9/21) and Joan Jett 52 (9/22)!

Glasses

Too bad money, like beauty, is not in the eye of the beholder... or the non-holder! It always amazes me that some things, those which we especially need in order to live our lives healthily, cost so much money.

I had my yearly eye exam today and a couple of hundred dollars later, I have new specs to pick up tomorrow. I have had many pairs of glasses and when  I saw these from across the store...they just spoke to me. They were unlike any I have ever had and I loved them the moment I spied them! The clerk who assisted in removing most of what was left in my checking account, save a couple of dollars literally...said "It is a bold choice!"

I hope they can help me see better, a plan for myself, my future. I hope they will help me see clear to a brighter tomorrow. I hope they will allow me to envision creative outlets and styling for my art! I would be happy if they let me see deeply into things and situations that I need to pay attention to while escorting my eyes past things they do not need to see, that will clutter my mind!

grounded

My muscles are achy from my ears to my tippy toes. I spent yesterday morning performing tasks at my mother's house. Generally I do yard work, watering...that sort of thing. Yesterday, however, I felt very much like I had been whisked back in time to a naughty teenage me who had been grounded, probably for sneaking out of my bedroom window. The chores she asked me to do  reminded me of the type of chore you give your ungrateful child so you can actually live up to the bitch they think you already are...to teach a lesson.

First, I did the chore which I most enjoy. I brought sustenance to the avian community! I filled my mother's two seed bird feeders with a fresh mix of sunflower seeds and bird food. I washed out and refilled the bird bath, in her orchard. I watered all of the newly growing grasses and plants in certain patches of the lower yard and climbed back up the hill to get directions on my next activity.This is the moment it got weird.

Next, I washed the front door screen, inside and out. The screen is made of wood and mesh. Using a wash cloth and water, I made sure the door was squeaky clean. There have been a rash of caterpillars in my mom's neighborhood which in turn means a million cocoons attached everywhere, including the screen door.

The butterflies are long gone but their crepe paper birth sacks are littering nooks and crannies. Unbeknownst to me, butterfly birthing is nasty business. Underneath every torn open butterfly casing, were stains of deep red...blood, afterbirth...I know not, but it was gross!

Then, I used a broom to wipe away all of the cobwebs from the exterior of the eaves, along the whole house. After that, I took the same broom and swept under the ledge the runs along the front of the house. Careful not to disturb the bird's nest that happens to be there precariously perched in one of the corners.

Same broom, back deck. I have never noticed how many cobwebs are around the house!

OK...at this point I was sure I had done something to piss her off. I said, like a true smart ass..."Is there any other menial task I can handle for you today, or is my punishment complete?"  Smugly, my mother, who up to this point I thought always had a good sense of humor...there was the whole eating mushrooms not doing mushrooms bit...said to me, with a total straight face...

" As a matter of fact, there is...you can take the basket/tray things from the dishwasher, out back. There is a bucket of soapy water and two scrub brushes, under the deck. Scrub the gunk off of the baskets and then rinse them and leave them out back to dry."

Really? When I looked, I noticed she had at least put a rubbery kneeling pad out there. So she has still got a heart, I thought to myself. When I had finished scrubbing what looked to be like years' worth of gunk from the rubber coated dishwasher baskets, I snuck into my mom's record box just to check something. As I suspected, my name is not Cinderella...it says so on my birth certificate! I wrung out my soaked knees and left for home to get ready for a party...Maybe I am....noooooooooooo. 

Imprisoned Heart: Mother Barbara, Remembering 9-11 and my friend Clark...a week ending in grief

that is a mouthful! My mother in law Barbara passed away unexpectedly, on April 12, 2010. My husband and his sister were crushed. It has been a difficult time of healing but measured strides have been made toward a whole heart.

This Saturday, September 11th, would have been her birthday. This year will be more of a somber occasion than a celebration. My husband plans to paddle her ashes out to sea and release her body to catch up with her soaring spirit. I will look on, in support, from nearby.

More than 3000 souls perished September 11th, 2001 when a group of terrorists used passenger planes as weapons to commit murder. This day always feels heavy and loaded with sadness. When I sit in reflection about the meaning and anger behind the act of violence perpetrated against our country and its people, on that day...I want to scream out and rewind time to the moment before flames engulfed two great tombs, before bodies were hurling themselves to the ground choosing instant death from impact rather than burning alive.  I would wish back a moment before a wife left her husband without saying goodbye, in a rush and not realizing it would be the last time they saw each other. I would turn back the hands of time to the child hugging his parent, to the lovers lingering in their bed, to the long kiss goodbye at the airport. So many things not said, not done because they were put off to a tomorrow that never came.

My heart hurts to think of all of the "lasts" that happened on that day nine years before. I always hope that with each year the pain will get less for  families and friends who lost a precious dear one that awful day...with time and faith maybe healing will stick.

Clark's memorial service is on Sunday.Clark lost his life too. His battle was not with airplane missiles, his was cancer. The last time I saw Clark was over a gorgeous grilled cheese and Tuscan soup, surrounded by friends. His gait was shaky and his smile was strong. His heart was always so full and if I added up every flower that Clark ever gave to me, to cheer up the office, I would feel like I was in a field of wildflowers!

I knew that the last time I saw Clark would be the last. I cried all the way back from lunch and at home all night. I have shed many a tear for lost friends but the tears for Clark felt different. Just two days before our luncheon, Clark had discussed with me that he had given up his treatments because they had stopped working and his cancer had taken over his body. He was well ready as he could be and had made amends with folks and was happy to meet his maker. Folks when they are dying are usually less sad than those of us they leave behind...Our tears fill oceans, drop by drop, our hearts when breaking are audible...The last words Clark said, as he hugged me tight with bruised arms that were frail for 60...the last words were I love you...grand words to hear from a beloved friend.

so here starts a sobering weekend and my heart is strong and ready...bring it on!

open letter to who might listen...

Why are we so full of anger?What is it that drives a man, who claims to be a Christian, to want to do such an unspeakable act? An act so hateful that if someone were to exact the same act of terrorism, on his own religion- all HELL would break loose...

Why attack Muslims? Why attack Islam? We have forgotten the roots of our humble beginnings-many religions and peoples coming together, melding as one cohesive group. We were brother and sister, helper and neighbor-friend to each other. Political Wars, Religious Wars- wars fought by our forefathers and Countrymen- wars that are not our wars, are part of what fuels the animosity we feel toward one another.

Where is the love in all of this?Where have our hearts gone? If we were to put even a quarter of the passion we exhibit when we fight strongly, into setting things right-our world might be a healthier and happier place. It is through love that things happen. When we take someone else's feelings into consideration and take time to listen, only then will we truly understand the motivation behind beliefs.

Radicals have always existed, as well as the ideals they subscribe to. It takes but one person to ignite the wildfire of fear based radical thinking. With hope, the same pandemic effect can undulate the power of positive thinking among the people and keep us in a forward momentum instead of hurling us back to the Stone Age.

We are lucky to have the opportunity to live in a country where freedom of speech is revered. However, having freedom of expression is not a license  to be irresponsible.  In my opinion, Pastor terry Jones is doing just that. He is taking this liberty too far. In following through, he will hurt innumerable people, not just those he feels he is attacking.

Media definitely drives panic. Publicity can often make manageable monsters into ogres. Media is also an ally. Hopefully good will come of this.  Mr. Jones is doing exactly the opposite of what the fundamentals of his own religion teach. What will it take for him to see that "HONORING" the dead by torturing the living has no honor. The greatest gift he can offer his 50 member congregation is to embrace the characteristics of his loving and forgiving God and not meet an historic act of hate, by a select few radicals, with a like act of hate against an entire peoples faith. Instead, he can maintain his own personal belief, privately, and put forward a face of compassion the the world can celebrate.

It greatly saddens me to think we have forgotten how to treat each other with respect. Our differences and our ability to live side by side despite them, is one of the reasons America is a great country. It is an America that is fast becoming unrecognizable as my home.

dusty bunnies..meep meep

Seems like it has been ages since I have heard from him but, an old friend called me today. It got me  thinking about dust bunnies, even though you cannot always see them; eventually they surface and have to be brought out!

I am looking so foward to catching up with my good friend again. This is someone who I have known for nearly 22 years. Time goes by in such a blink of an eye that it takes my breath away to think of all of the moments that have occured in those 22 years.

We have moved, grown up, lost friends, gained friends, started and ended relationships, vacationed, buried pets, disappeared and reappeared and so on and so on. We have aged a bit, frankly, more than I would care to admit! In all the time though, not a speck of distance has pushed up between our two hearts! It is that way with true friends. I am certain, with him, it will always be that way!

In the beginning there was fire...

"What will you write about? " This is the first thing my husband asked me after he told me that blogging will raise my blood pressure. It is the last thing he said about it after I replied that I would be sharing about life, love, our relationship, the need for therapy and whatever I felt like talking about!

It is my intention to have fun here. A necessary creative outlet that will occupy its place in the vastness of cyber space. There will be laughter and tears, photos and musings. There will be commentary and stream of consciousness. I will talk about my cats like some people talk about their children. I will make suggestions on whatever I wish, however, please remember they are only suggestions and should be carried out under strict adult supervision! I will post about family and friends though real names will only be used intermittently and people may turn out to be fictional.

Enjoy the journey into the crosshairs! Stay no more than you like...go on your way when you are ready!